Skip to main content
Search
Search
    Quick Search anywhere
    Quick search in Citations
Advanced Search
Skip main navigationClose Drawer MenuOpen Drawer Menu
Previous article
Next article
Original Articles and Reviews

The Distinctive Constitution of Feeling Hurt

A Review and a Lazarian Theory

Published Online:December 06, 2019https://doi.org/10.1027/1016-9040/a000390

Abstract

Abstract. What is the nature of feeling hurt? This question is answered by systematically reviewing and integrating theories and empirical findings on feeling hurt using Lazarus’ theory of emotion. Following this approach, feeling hurt is constituted by a primary appraisal of an illegitimate devaluation and by a secondary appraisal of low controllability. This appraisal pattern activates an action tendency to withdraw from an interaction. This theory leads to several hypotheses for the appraisal (e.g., that an increase in appraisals of controllability should turn hurt into anger) on facial, bodily, and behavioral expressions as well as on the communicative function of feeling hurt. Furthermore, important conceptual distinctions between a broad and a narrow concept of feeling hurt as well as between feeling hurt as an emotion and a long-term emotional episode of hurt are introduced. Finally, feeling hurt is compared with humiliation, shame, guilt, disappointment, sadness, and anger.

References

  • Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115, 243–267. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.115.2.243 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • DeWall, C. N., & Bushman, B. J. (2011). Social acceptance and rejection: The sweet and the bitter. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20, 256–260. https://doi.org/0.1177/0963721411417545 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Dickerson, S. S., & Kemeny, M. E. (2004). Acute stressors and cortisol responses: A theoretical integration and synthesis of laboratory research. Psychological Bulletin, 130, 355. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.355 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Dryden, W. (2007). Overcoming hurt. London, UK: Sheldon Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Eibl-Eibesfeldt, I. (1997). Die Biologie des menschlichen Verhaltens. Grundriss der Humanethologie [Human ethology. Foundations of human behavior]. Weyarn, Germany: Seehamer Verlag. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Eisenberger, N. I. (2015). Social pain and the brain: Controversies, questions, and where to go from here. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 601–629. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115146 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8, 294–300. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2004.05.010 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Elison, J., & Harter, S. (2007). Humiliation: Causes, correlates, and consequences. In J. L. TracyR. W. RobinsJ. P. TangneyEds., The self-conscious emotions: Theory and research (pp. 310–329). New York, NY: Guilford Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Ellsworth, P. C., & Smith, C. A. (1988). From appraisal to emotion: Differences among unpleasant feelings. Motivation and Emotion, 12, 271–302. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00993115 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Elshout, M., Nelissen, R. M., & van Beest, I. (2017). Conceptualising humiliation. Cognition and Emotion, 31, 1581–1594. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2016.1249462 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Feeney, J. A. (2004). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Towards integrative models of the negative effects of hurtful events. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 487–508. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407504044844 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Feeney, J. A. (2005). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Exploring the role of attachment and perceptions of personal injury. Personal Relationships, 12, 253–271. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00114.x First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Fernández, S., Saguy, T., & Halperin, E. (2015). The paradox of humiliation the acceptance of an unjust devaluation of the self. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41, 976–988. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215586195 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Freud, S. (1952a). Über den psychischen Mechanismus hysterischer Phänomene [The psychological mechanism of hysterical phenomena]. In A. FreudEd., Gesammelte Werke [Collected works] (Vol. 1, pp. 81–98). London, UK: Imago Publishing. (Original work published 1893). First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Freud, S. (1952b). Zur Einführung des Narzißmus [On narcissism. An introduction]. In A. Freud (Ed.), Gesammelte Werke [Collected works] (Vol. 10, pp. 137–170). London, UK: Imago Publishing. (Original work published 1914). First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H. (1986). The emotions. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H. (1994). The lex talionis: On vengeance. In S. H. van GoozenN. E. Van de PollJ. A. SergeantEds., Emotions: Essays on emotion theory (pp. 263–289). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H. (2007). The laws of emotion. New York, NY: Routledge. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H. (2008). The psychologists’ point of view. In M. LewisJ. M. Haviland-JonesL. Feldman BarrettEds., Handbook of emotions (Vol. 3, pp. 59–74). New York, NY: Guilford Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H., Kuipers, P., & Schure, E. (1989). Relations among emotion, appraisal, and emotional action readiness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57, 212–228. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.57.2.212 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Frijda, N. H., & Scherer, K. R. (2009). Emotion definitions (psychological perspectives). In D. SanderK. R. SchererEds., The Oxford companion to emotion and the affective sciences (pp. 142–144). Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Gilbert, P. (1997). The evolution of social attractiveness and its role in shame, humiliation, guilt and therapy. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 70, 113–147. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.2044-8341.1997.tb01893.x First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Gunther Moor, B., Bos, M. G., Crone, E. A., & van der Molen, M. W. (2014). Peer rejection cues induce cardiac slowing after transition into adolescence. Developmental Psychology, 50, 947. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0033842 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Gunther Moor, B., Crone, E. A., & van der Molen, M. W. (2010). The heartbrake of social rejection: Heart rate deceleration in response to unexpected peer rejection. Psychological Science, 21, 1326–1333. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610379236 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Hall, J. (2015, August). I only joined ISIS because I was humiliated that my wedding was called off. Mail Online. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3193633/I-joined-ISIS-humiliated-wedding-called-German-ex-jihadi-says-anger-fiancee-s-family-led-join-terror-group-reveals-joined-Hell-s-Angels-instea.html First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Haller, R. (2015). Die Macht der Kränkung [The power of hurt]. Salzburg, Austria: Ecowin Verlag. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Hardecker, D. J. K., & Haun, D. B. M. (2019). Approaching the development of hurt feelings in childhood. Manuscript submitted for publication. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Hardecker, D. J. K., Schmidt, M. F. H., & Haun, D. B. M. (2019). How to show the cold shoulder. Developing a coding system for sulking behavior in young children. Manuscript submitted for publication. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Hareli, S., & Hess, U. (2008). The role of causal attribution in hurt feelings and related social emotions elicited in reaction to other’s feedback about failure. Cognition and Emotion, 22, 862–880. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930701541641 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Hartling, L. M., & Luchetta, T. (1999). Humiliation: Assessing the impact of derision, degradation, and debasement. Journal of Primary Prevention, 19, 259–278. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1022622422521 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Kemeny, M. E., & Schedlowski, M. (2007). Understanding the interaction between psychosocial stress and immune-related diseases: A stepwise progression. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 21, 1009–1018. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Klein, D. C. (1991). The humiliation dynamic: An overview. Journal of Primary Prevention, 12, 93–121. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02015214 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Kuppens, P., Van Mechelen, I., Smits, D. J., & De Boeck, P. (2003). The appraisal basis of anger: Specificity, necessity and sufficiency of components. Emotion, 3, 254–269. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.3.3.254 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • L’Abate, L. (1977). Intimacy is sharing hurt feelings: A reply to David Mace. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 3, 13–16. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1977.tb00450.x First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • L’Abate, L. (2011). Hurt feelings: Theory, research, and applications in intimate relationships. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York, NY: Oxford University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Lazarus, R. S. (2001). Relational meaning and discrete emotions. In K. R. SchererA. SchorrT. JohnstoneEds., Appraisal processes in emotion: Theory, methods, research (pp. 37–67). New York, NY: Oxford University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Lazarus, R. S., & Smith, C. A. (1988). Knowledge and appraisal in the cognition – emotion relationship. Cognition & Emotion, 2, 281–300. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699938808412701 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Leary, M. R., & Leder, S. (2009). The nature of hurt feelings: Emotional experience and cognitive appraisals. In A. L. VangelistiEd., Feeling hurt in close relationships (pp. 15–33). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Leary, M. R., Springer, C., Negel, L., Ansell, E., & Evans, K. (1998). The causes, phenomenology, and consequences of hurt feelings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 1225. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1225 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Leary, M. R., & Springer, C. A. (2001). Hurt feelings: The neglected emotion. In R. M. KowalskiEd., Behaving badly: Aversive behaviors in interpersonal relationships (pp. 151–175). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10365-006 First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Leary, M. R., Terdal, S. K., Tambor, E. S., & Downs, D. L. (1995). Self-esteem as an interpersonal monitor: The sociometer hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 518–530. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.68.3.518 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Leary, M. R., Twenge, J. M., & Quinlivan, E. (2006). Interpersonal rejection as a determinant of anger and aggression. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10, 111–132. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr1002_2 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Leidner, B., Sheikh, H., & Ginges, J. (2012). Affective dimensions of intergroup humiliation. PLoS One, 7, e46375. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0046375 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Lemay, E. P. Jr., Overall, N. C., & Clark, M. S. (2012). Experiences and interpersonal consequences of hurt feelings and anger. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103, 982–1006. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0030064 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Lersch, P. (1964). Aufbau der Person [The composition of the person] (9th ed.). Munich, Germany: Johann Ambrosius Barth. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Lewis, M. (1995). Shame. The exposed self. New York, NY: The Free Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Linden, M. (2003). Posttraumatic embitterment disorder. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 72, 195–202. https://doi.org/10.1159/000070783 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • MacDonald, G. (2009). Social pain and hurt feelings. In P. J. CorrG. MatthewsEds., The Cambridge handbook of personality psychology (pp. 541–555). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press. https://doi.org/10.1017/CBO9780511596544 First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • MacDonald, G., & Leary, M. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131, 202–223. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.131.2.202 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Maner, J. K., Miller, S. L., Schmidt, N. B., & Eckel, L. A. (2010). The endocrinology of exclusion: Rejection elicits motivationally tuned changes in progesterone. Psychological Science, 21, 581–588. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610362676 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Mann, L., Feddes, A. R., Leiser, A., Doosje, B., & Fischer, A. H. (2017). When is humiliation more intense? The role of audience laughter and threats to the self. Frontiers in Psychology, 8, 495. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00495 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • May, L. N., & Jones, W. H. (2007). Does hurt linger? Exploring the nature of hurt feelings over time. Current Psychology, 25, 245–256. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02915234 First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • McCullough, M. E., Rachal, K. C., Sandage, S. J., Worthington, E. L., Brown, S. W., & Hight, T. L. (1998). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships: II. Theoretical elaboration and measurement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 1586–1603. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.75.6.1586 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • McLaren, R. M., & Solomon, D. H. (2008). Appraisals and distancing responses to hurtful messages. Communication Research, 35, 339–357. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650208315961 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • McLaren, R. M., & Solomon, D. H. (2010). Appraisal and distancing responses to hurtful messages II: A diary study of dating partners and friends. Communication Research Reports, 27, 193–206. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650208315961 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Mees, U. (1992). Ärger-, Vorwurf- und verwandte Emotionen [Anger-, blame-oriented and related emotions]. In U. MeesEd., Psychologie des Ärgers (pp. 30–87). Göttingen, Germany: Hogrefe. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Mikula, G., Scherer, K. R., & Athenstaedt, U. (1998). The role of injustice in the elicitation of differential emotional reactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin , 24, 769–783. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167298247009 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Nelis, D., Kotsou, I., Quoidbach, J., Hansenne, M., Weytens, F., Dupuis, P., & Mikolajczak, M. (2011). Increasing emotional competence improves psychological and physical well-being, social relationships, and employability. Emotion, 11, 354–366. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021554 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Parkes, C. M., & Prigerson, H. G. (2013). Bereavement: Studies of grief in adult life. London, UK: Routledge. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Parrott, W. G. (2010). Ur-emotions and your emotions: Reconceptualizing basic emotion. Emotion Review, 2, 14–21. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073909345547 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Saarni, C. (1997). Coping with aversive feelings. Motivation and Emotion, 21, 45–63. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Scherer, K. R. (1987). Toward a Dynamic Theory of Emotion: The component process model of affective states. Geneva Studies in Emotion and Communication, 1, 1–98. Retrieved from http://www.unige.ch/fapse/emotion/genstudies/genstudies.html First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Scherer, K. R. (2005). What are emotion? And how can they be measured? Social Science Information, 44, 695–729. https://doi.org/10.1177/0539018405058216 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Shaver, P., Mikulincer, M., Lavy, S., & Cassidy, J. (2009). Understanding and altering hurt feelings: An attachment-theoretical perspective on the generation and regulation of emotions. In A. L. VangelistiEd., Feeling hurt in close relationships (pp. 92–119). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Shaver, P., Schwartz, J., Kirson, D., & O’Connor, C. (1987). Emotion knowledge: Further exploration of a prototype approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 1061–1086. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.6.1061 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Smith, C. A., & Lazarus, R. S. (1993). Appraisal components, core relational themes, and the emotions. Cognition & Emotion, 7, 233–269. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699939308409189 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Snapp, C. M., & Leary, M. R. (2001). Hurt feelings among new acquaintances: Moderating effects of interpersonal familiarity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 315–326. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407501183001 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Staebler, K., Helbing, E., Rosenbach, C., & Renneberg, B. (2011). Rejection sensitivity and borderline personality disorder. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 18, 275–283. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.705 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Statman, D. (2000). Hurting religious feelings. Democratic Culture, 3, 199–214. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • SZ. (2015, August 10). Nach geplatzter Hochzeit zum IS [Joining IS after wedding is called of]. Süddeutsche Zeitung. Retrieved from http://www.sueddeutsche.de/politik/terrorismus-prozess-nach-geplatzter-hochzeitzum-is-1.2602636 First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Sznycer, D., Tooby, J., Cosmides, L., Porat, R., Shalvi, S., & Halperin, E. (2016). Shame closely tracks the threat of devaluation by others, even across cultures. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113, 2625–2630. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1514699113 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Tangney, J. P. (1992). Situational determinants of shame and guilt in young adulthood. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18, 199–206. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167292182011 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Tangney, J. P., Miller, R. S., Flicker, L., & Barlow, D. H. (1996). Are shame, guilt, and embarrassment distinct emotions? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70, 1256–1269. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.70.6.1256 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Törestad, B. (1990). What is anger provoking? A psychophysical study of perceived causes of anger. Aggressive Behavior, 16, 9–26. https://doi.org/10.1002/1098-2337(1990)16:1<9::AID-AB2480160103>3.0.CO;2-R First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Van Dijk, W. W., & Zeelenberg, M. (2002). What do we talk about when we talk about disappointment? Distinguishing outcome-related disappointment from person-related disappointment. Cognition & Emotion, 16, 787–807. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930143000563 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Vangelisti, A. L. (Ed.). (2009). Feeling hurt in close relationships. Cambridge, NY: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Vangelisti, A. L., & Sprague, R. J. (1998). Guilt and hurt: Similarities, distinctions, and conversational strategies. In P. A. AndersenL. K. GuerreroEds., Handbook of communication and emotion (pp. 123–154). San Diego, CA: Academic Press. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Vangelisti, A. L., & Young, S. L. (2000). When words hurt: The effects of perceived intentionality on interpersonal relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 393–424. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407500173005 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Vangelisti, A. L., Young, S. L., Carpenter-Theune, K. E., & Alexander, A. L. (2005). Why does it hurt? The perceived causes of hurt feelings. Communication Research, 32, 443–477. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650205277319 First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • von Salisch, M. (2000). Wenn Kinder sich ärgern: Emotionsregulierung in der Entwicklung [When children feel angry. Development of emotion regulation]. Göttingen, Germany: Hogrefe. First citation in articleGoogle Scholar

  • Wierzbicka, A. (1992). Defining emotion concepts. Cognitive Science, 16, 539–581. https://doi.org/10.1016/0364-0213(92)90031-O First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Wierzbicka, A. (1999). Emotions across languages and cultures: Diversity and universals. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar

  • Zimmermann, P., Iwanski, A., & Çelik, F. (2015). Emotionsregulation und emotionale Verletzungssensitivität bei Jugendlichen mit Angststörungen [Emotion regulation and emotional vulnerability in adolescents with anxiety disorders]. Praxis der Kinderpsychologie und Kinderpsychiatrie, 64, 527–544. First citation in articleCrossref, Google Scholar